What we're NOT about to do is "forgive our enemies"
On Spiritual Bypassing and Gaslighting
On Aleia's Hot Take, I empower Black women on their journey for self love, healing, wholeness, and liberation in 15 minutes or less. In episode 2, I discuss why the concept of "forgiving your enemies" is dangerous as fuck. Check this out while you consider letting Re-Thug-icans slide for the past 4 years.
Today I'm going to talk about spiritual bypassing and gaslighting. First, let me breakdown what spiritual bypassing is. John Welwood created the term, defining it as
using “spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep personal, emotional ‘unfinished business,’ to shore up a shaky sense of self, or to belittle basic needs, feelings, and developmental tasks. (Toward a Psychology of Awakening)
In layperson's speak, it's the tendency to avoid real healing, real processing, and real emotions in order to feel like how one feels like they are "supposed to."
We often see this behavior coupled with gaslighting, another psychological phenomenon where a person tries to convince another person that what they see as their reality simply isn't so. That person then uses manipulation to maintain control over that person's feelings. Read up on the 1944 film Gaslight for more details.
To distinguish between the two, spiritual bypassing is what a person does to themselves and gaslighting is what an oppressor does to someone else. They typically go hand in hand.
Sounds familiar?
This discussion needs to be had in the wake of this US presidential election cycle. Spiritual bypassing and gaslighting are what we're seeing as some folks suggest "moving on" from Trump's tyranny, and folks advise forgiving his supporters. Spiritual bypassing and gaslighting describe how Black people always rush to forgive those who cause us harm.
We see this behavior particularly encouraged by Black churches.
When a spiritual organization tries to manipulate and control their members by telling them that what they experience is not true, resulting in is membership feeling guilty for having human emotions, this is gaslighting. We see this particularly when churches teach that one is supposed to pray for their enemy, their abuser.
The humanity of the abuser as a "child of God" is prioritized over the humanity of the victim.
Here are a few examples: Black women being the primary supporters of male dominated ministries that teach them to be a man's peace while he's out there gallivanting with the Jezebel (I see you John Gray). Black women supporting their incestuous brothers and marrying pedophiles instead of aiding the victims (I see you Nikki Minaj). Black women who are cast out of their families for choosing not to forgive the abusers in their home (I see you Black families at Thanksgiving).
In each of these scenarios, the victim bore the responsibility of forgiving their abuser instead of receiving the care, support, and validation they deserved. The only "tool" they were given was how to bypass their own humanity in order to forgive their abuser.
And let's not talk about how the abusers' behavior is blamed on the "devil," further absolving him of responsibility.
Black women are particular targets of this complex abuse.
I read a Facebook post that summarized how Black women declined social services they were entitled because those services required that no man (husband, boyfriend) be in the home. To keep her family intact and to be in solidarity with the perceived "heads of the household," many Black women did not accept services they qualified for despite being called "welfare queens" and despite white women being the largest bloc of welfare recipients.
In return for loyalty, this article shows that Black women are killed by their male partners more frequently than any other group of women.
“Black women who were living with their partner were six times more likely to experience severe domestic violence when compared to their dating and married counterparts.”
“In 2018, Black women were murdered by men at nearly three times the rate as White women.”
Despite these and more statistics, Black women have literally been taught to identify with and prioritize their oppressors.
So what happens to the anger, frustration, and pain that the victim feels?
Pray is all the church says. Pray for it to go away. And if that doesn't work, it's because the victim didn't try hard enough or have enough faith. That sin, they will say, will keep you away from "the glory of God,"
Celie: This life be over soon. Heaven last always.
Miss Sophia: You better bash Mister's head open and think about heaven later.
With this message of having faith, forgiving abusers, and holding out for a heavenly reward, Black women are taught to spiritually bypass their feelings. With this, Black churches and leaders gaslight Black women.
Where do we go from here?
I can't address the problem without bringing a solution.
The first couple of solutions are obvious.
People need to be called out and called in about the harm and violence of spiritual bypassing and gaslighting. Abusers need to be held accountable by the legal system and by the community. Black women and children need to be defended and protected at all cost.
But for you, the victim, what now?
First, call your churches into question
Examine what messages your churches and leaders are teaching you about how to interpret and perceive your lived experience as a Black woman. Ask yourself who benefits from their messaging and why. Are the messaging you're receiving allowing the abuser to move forward with acceptance and impunity? Are you only gaining provisional tolerance at best?
Second, learn to embrace the fullness of your humanity
Know that the wholeness of who you are is valid. Your perceptions are valid. The full range of human emotions you have are valid. You are made up of the light and the shadow, both sides are necessary and valuable.
Also know that you have the right to defend yourself against harm, abuse, and minimizing. You have the right because your humanity is valuable and that of your children who are watching and learning are valuable.
You are called to break the generational curse of placating, praying for, and forgiving your enemies.
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