Since I was a little girl, I've always wanted to be saved. First it was by either Prince or Michael Jackson. Yes, my five year old self had fantasies of them dueling to rescue me, and I tried to wear my favorite purple pajamas every night (stuffed with tissue in the bra area might I add. Yes, I was 5) so that I would be ready. I even would cry if my mom forced me to wear non-matching pajamas. She didn't get it that my prince was coming, even if at that time I envisioned him to be an effeminate pop singer. As I grew up, college and the world outside of the hood became my superman. I thought that maybe education could save me, and perhaps it has to an extent. I would later realize that 1) no one checks for your credentials when they first see you as anonymous black girl and that 2) you are what you bring to the table, not what a name, a degree, or whatever else brings. Onto to plan C, D, and E.
Then I thought love and career would save me. That if I were to be "good" enough that it would warrant someone being "good" to me and they would save me (I never thought from what) and I would live happily after ever. At work someone would discover my talents and grant all my wishes come true. And I would be Oprah and Obama and Vanzant and Truth, all rolled into one.
Guess where this is going.
You got it. Life doesn't work that way.
I realize that all this time that I've been waiting on someone ELSE to save me, that I never faced what I wanted to be saved from and I never realized that I could be the one doing the saving. Both of those epiphanies would require me to look honestly at my Self- I'm the one I'm running from and that's precisely where my healing lies.
I love life's ironies.
This weekend, Carlos W. Anderson taught on the Healing at the Pool of Bethesda and his message was that we always sit around waiting for someone to come around and heal us, save us, rescue us, protect us, but in reality the healing is already in you. We all have it in us. It's a choice we make each day when we put one foot in front of the other. It's a choice we make up when we get tired of our own excuses and stand in the affirming Divine love. It's a choice when we know who and whose we are.
And we will fall and make mistakes.
And we will get up, dust ourselves up, and try again.
And we will count it all joy as we live to give our testimony (carrying our mat for those familiar with the story) that the next Self can do it too.
None of what Pastor Anderson had to say was new to me, but it rang like new in my soul and made me really think how much of my life I had put on hold waiting for someone to come rescue me. *I* have the power to put one foot in front of the other and claim my Life for myself. I've done it countless times before when I wasn't paying attention, thinking that I was simply preparing myself for someone to save me, never realizing that my action and passion were the things saving me in concert with Divine will.
(forgive me for preaching. Feel free to click away but I have to get this out).
I've also fallen more times than I care to think about, BUT I do know that today, I'm striking out to be my own super hero, instead of waiting for someone to swoop down and save me.
And even if I fall along the way, I will count it all as joy.